You Know It's Time to Get Off Your Butt and Hit the Gym When...

. . . all of a sudden the person sitting beside you turns to you and say, "Wow, bulubundukin!"
Worse, said person begins counting:
"One mountain!" pointing to your bilbil.
"Two mountains!" this time to your tiyan.
"Three mountains! Four mountains!" to your boobs.
And the finale: "Five! Five mountains, bwahahaha!"


. . . you become paranoid that the labandera is out to get you because while she shrunk all your clothes, the rest of your family has no complaints at all.


. . . you contemplate undergoing a breast augmentation operation to help you walk (because having bigger boobs will counterbalance your arse).


. . . even during rush hour, you never have to stand in a train car because men and women alike keep on giving up their seats for you, thinking you were pregnant.


. . . passing by beauty clinics become a trial for you because the assistants insist on handing you with flyers, trying to convince you to try the latest rage to lose unwanted pounds.


[Disclaimer: This is a work in fiction and all characters herein are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.]

(Pero, sinong naka-relate?)

He Said, I Heard

I was horribly, horribly late for a meeting, which was already in full swing when I entered the conference hall.

Pero s’yempre, the first thing (or person) I looked for the in the conference hall was, of course, him.

This is the point where my story begins ...

* * *

He said:
O, K, dito ka na umupo sa tabi ni Lady Lawyer
(giving up his seat for me and grabbing another chair for himself).

I heard:
O, K, kami ni LL? Friends lang kami kahit na sabay kami pumunta dito sa meeting straight from the office. Officemates kasi kami.

* * *

Pastor 1:
K, sa Court of Appeals ka pa rin ba nagt-trabaho?

K:
Opo. Bibigyan na nga po nila ako ng medal dun e. Loyalty awardee.

He said:
Baka gusto mong mag-apply sa amin?

I heard:
Sa ‘min ka na mag-trabaho para magkita tayo araw-araw.


* * *


LL:
Sa Balintawak ka pa rin ba nakatira?

K:
Hindi na, lumipat na kami malapit sa Trinoma.

He said:
Gano’n ba? Akala ko kasi sa Sta. Maria ka umuuwi, dadaanan ka sana namin ni LL para sabay-sabay na sana tayo pumunta dito sa meeting.

I heard:
Sana pala nagpasundo ka na para alam ko na kung saan kita dadalawin.


* * *


He said:
O, pano ka uuwi?

I heard:
Gusto mo ba ihatid na kita pauwi?

Walang kokontra hanggang libreng mangarap :)

So, ano nang balita sa inyo?

At the Polling Precincts...

10.25.10

My Inang absolutely insisted that her whole clan (at least, her whole clan registered in her barangay) to go out and vote because one of her nephews was a candidate for the barangay captain position. So you know naman what happens when more than two from our angkan gathers together, di ba? Wackiness ensued almost immediately thereafter.

* * *

(The day before the elections)
Mom:
S'yempre naman, Inang, boboto ako. Pero hindi si Pamangkin mo ang iboboto ko.

Inang:
Walanghiya. 'Wag ka nang bumoto!

* * *

Mom, peeking inside the classroom/polling precinct:
Oi, R (pamangkin), 'wag ka nang magpanggap. Humingi ka na ng tulong. Alam naman namin na no read, no write ka.

* * *

Kuya R, gumaganti pag labas ng presinto:
O, wag mong kakalimutan ha. Bibilugan ang sagot. Baka check-an mo.

Mom:
Talaga?

* * *

Mom, wondering out loud:
Bakit nga kaya hindi puedeng itong sample ballot na lang ang ihulog natin sa ballot boxes para 'wag na tayong mahirapan sa pagboto?

Mga tao sa paligid:
Bakit nga kaya? Tanga talaga ng COMELEC.

* * *

Tita:
Oi, L, wala daw ang pangalan mo sa Voters' List.

Ate L:
'E 'di ok, uwi na ko. Ayoko naman talagang bumoto e.

Later,
Tita:
Ok, na L, nakita na 'yung pangalan mo.

Later still, after waiting for quite a while for the line to move.
Ate L:
Check ko na nga 'yung pangalan ko.

Mom:
Naku, baka kung hindi n'ya makita 'yung pangalan n'ya, maghara-kiri 'yun.

K:
Buti nga kung hara-kiri lang. 'E pa'no kapag naghurumintado 'yan?

Mom:
'O nga. Nasa personality pa naman.

* * *

Ate L, just as she was about to enter the polling precinct:
Naku, nasan na ang kodigo ko? (pats her pockets frantically)

Mom:
Bobo ka pala e. Tatatlo na nga lang iboboto mo, magkokodigo ka pa.

* * *

K, at the threshold of the polling precinct:
Walang tulakan, walang artista dito.

(The brother kasi is pushing his way in, kasi mainit sa labas)

* * *

My dad, who is registered in another barangay and whose brother-in-law was a candidate naman for kagawad, was unable to vote because the delivery of the ballots were super delayed (boo!).

Today, he asked if we had any news if the brother-in-law won.

K:
Natalo daw, by one vote.

D:
Parang gusto ko nang magpaputol ng daliri.

K:
Bakit mo puputulin? Pipitpitin ko na lang.

* * *

So kamusta naman ang botohan sa inyo?

Top Five Reasons Why Khay is Still Single (Or Is It Single Again?)

(Originally posted in my Multiply Account on September 19, 2009)

Reason Number 5:

Concerned Friend:
Khay, may ipapakilala ako sa'yo na guy.
Cute. Single. Available. Looking.

K:
Talaga? Sino?

CF:
Friend ng kapatid ko.

K:
Haha, sige.

CF:
OK lang naman sa'yo ang may anak na, 'di ba?

K:
Ha? Ilan?

CF:
Isa lang naman.
At divorced naman dun sa asawa.

K:
Divorced?
Wala namang divorce dito sa Pilipinas a.
Foreigner ba s'ya?

CF:
Hindi. Pinoy.
Pero sa US naman nagpakasal,
kaya na-divorce n'ya yung asawa n'ya.
Tapos matagal na rin silang hindi nagsasama.
Puede nang magpakasal ulit pag ganun, 'di ba?

K (thinking):
Sabi ko na nga ba, may catch e.

Impromptu Persons and Family Relations lesson: walang bisa ang o hindi kikilalanin ang divorce dito sa Pilipinas kung ang nag-file ay isang Filipino citizen, kahit na siya ay kinasal sa ibang bansa. Gayun din, hindi rin itinuturing na walang bisa ang kasal kapag ang mag-asawa ay matagal nang hindi nagsasama o nagkikita. Maaaring "Legally Separated" lamang sila, pero hindi pa rin sila puedeng magpakasal sa ibang tao. See also: Article 15 of the Civil Code.

-------

Reason Number 4:

Khay was at a beauty parlor, having her hair cellophaned, when her eyes met those of a cute guy's in the mirror.

Cute Guy smiles.

Khay tentatively smiles back.

Cute Guy sidles over.

Khay's heart started beating really, really fast.

Cute Guy, to Gay Guy doing Khay's hair:
Sister, anong gawa mo?
Para saan yang eklavu na yan?

Those itsy-bitsy pieces on the parlor floor? Yup. That used to be K's heart.

May shortage na nga ng lalaki, hindi pa talo yung iba. Hmp.

-------

Reason Number 3:

Khay was just about to enter the CA gates when an unmarked white pick-up parks in front of her.

From the pick-up, three men wearing police uniform steps down, carrying high-caliber guns.

But Khay's attention was caught by the last guy who exited the pick-up truck.

Said guy was tall. Dark. Well-built.

In short, papalicious.

He would have been perfect.

Except for the pair of handcuffs that bound his wrists.

Minsan-minsan na nga lang makakakita ng cute sa CA, akusado pa sa krimen. Pero, come to think of it...kailangan kaya n'ya ng lawyer? If single s'ya, puede ako.

-------

Reason Number 2:

Newlywed Officemate:
Karina! Guess what?

K:
What?

NO:
Remember Bank Executive?
Yung crush mo sa neighboring local bank?

K:
Of course.
Bakit, anong balita?

NO:
Nag-inqiure kasi kami kahapon ni Single-Lady Officemate tungkol sa time deposit.
And guess kung sinong nag-entertain sa amin?

K:
Hindi si Bank Executive????

NO:
None other! At, hiningi n'ya ang names namin ni SLO.
At ang hirit ni SLO: And you are (with matching flirtatious eyelashes)?

K, gasps.

NO:
At hiningi rin nya ang number namin.
Nung una, yung number dito sa office ang binigay ni SLO.
Pero sabi ni Bank Executive: 'yung mobile mo number na rin.

K:
Inunahan na naman ako ni SLO!

Shamelessly Eavesdropping Officemate:
Ang bagal mo kasi. Masyado kang pakipot.
'Di mo gayahin si SLO.
Malambing sa guys. 'Kaw kasi hindi, e.

K:
Pero I thought SLO was my friend!!!

Sa edad ko talaga ngayon, wala nang kai-kaibigan. Priority talaga ang lovelife. Talo-talo na.

-------

And the top reason the author is of this pointless piece is still single:

College Best Friend:
This is my friend, British Foreigner.
Sobrang gifted 'yan sa languages.
Christian din s'ya. Active sa Church.
In fact, Bible study leader s'ya sa dorm namin sa Japan.

K:
Really? So what brings you here to the Philippines?

BF (oo, nagta-Tagalog s'ya. Magaling nga sa languages e):
Nag-enrol kasi ako sa International Christian Seminary dito.

K:
A. So after nun, ano'ng plans mo? Babalik ka ng Japan, o uuwi ka sa UK?
(read as: pag nagkatuluyan tayo, san tayo magb-base? Sa Japan o sa UK?)

BF:
I will go wherever the Lord leads me.
Pero, if given the choice, I would like to be a missionary in China.
I feel that there is where I am most needed.

K, praying:
Lord, please, not this one!

Matanda na kasi, choosy pa ;)

-------

So, how was your week?

Insanity Runs in the Family

(Originally posted in my Multiply Account on January 6, 2010)

Exhibit 1: Do as I Say, Not as I Do

Uncle:

Grabe kagabi, may bwiset na babaeng dumorbell sa bahay namin.

Inang:

'Wag mo sasabihang bwiset ang mga babae, masama 'yun.

(Pauses).

Bakit? Ano bang nagyari?

Uncle:

Natutulog na kasi ako, Alas-11 na ng gabi 'yun.

May dumorbell. Akala ko, emergency. Tumakbo akong pabababa.

Pag tingin ko, babae. Nanglilimos.

Inang:

'E walang hiya pala s'ya e.

Dudorbell pa e manlilimos lang.

Bwiset naman pala talaga.

x x x

Exhibit 2: It's All in the Mind

Bro:

Ano ba ito? Dr. Pepper?

K:

Binili ko 'yan sa SNR. Sikat 'yan sa US, lagi kong nababasa na mga libro.

Bro:

Matikman nga. Hindi pa ako nakakatikim ng Dr. Pepper (but he pronounced it "Pepah" with a silent "R").

K:

Masarap 'yan.

Bro, after taking a long gulp:

Oo nga, masarap nga ang Pepah.

Bro 2:

Ako din, gusto ko rin patikim ng Pepah.

Mom, scandalized:

Ano? P3p3? Mga bastos kayo!!!

x x x

Exhibit 3: Bawal ang makulit dito

During the Christmas Eve Party on my dad's side of the family.

Cousin-in-Law/Photographer/Game Master/Emcee:

(hindi naman s'ya masyadong all-around)

O game. Kasali lahat ng apo (who are college aged and up).

Ang laro natin ay Spider-Man, Hulk at Wonder Woman.

Hecklers, who are incidentally, the players of the game:

Hindi namin alam 'yun, explain, explain.

C-i-L:

Parang rock, paper, scissors lang ito.

Si Spider-Man, talo n'ya si Wonder Woman.

Si WW, talo n'ya si Hulk.

Si Hulk, talo n'ya ni SM.

Tapos, may mga actions kayong gagawin to depict yung character na pipiliin n'yo.

Heckler (ako yata ito, hehe):

Ay, sosyal naman.

Ang alam lang namin, Samson, Delilah at Lion.

C-i-L:

A ganun?

O, alika dito, ikaw mag-demonstrate.

Heckler:

Ay, hindi ko pala alam. Yung sosyal na lang.

C-i-L:

Si Hulk, ganito (raises both arms in a macho man pose).

Si WW, ganito (poses in a feminine way)

Si SM, ganito (mimics SM while climbing walls).

O, game na?

Hecklers:

'Di pa. Demo ulit.

Demo! Demo! Demo!

C-i-L, rolls eyes, but gamely repeated the demo.

Heckler (hindi na ako ito):

'Di ba puede ganito na lang si Spider-Man

(holds out right arm to depict SM while shooting out webs)?

C-i-L, in exasperation:

Kahit ano, bahala kayo.

O, game na?

Hecklers:

Wait lang, time out.

After waiting a while, C-i-L:

O, puede na?

Hecklers:

Puede demo ulit.

C-i-L, in frustration:

Hindi na!

(Under his breath) Mga bwiset.

Ang kukulit kasi. Parang nasa playground lang ulit kami during our childhood days :) Lavet!

x x x

Exhibit 4: During the Christmas Party on my Mother's Side of the Family

Game-Master:

O, ang game natin, Pinoy Henyo.

(Shows the words na huhulaan, which is Christmas Party)

Cousin 1/Player na manghuhula (who is, incidentally, a respected doctor):

Tao? Bagay?

Cousin 2/Player na sasagot ng Oo, Hinde o Puede:

Hindi. Hindi.

Cousin 1:

Event?

Cousin 2:

OO!

Cousin 1:

Event...Meron ngayon?

Cousin 2:

OO.

Cousin 1:

English?

Cousin 2:

OO!

Cousin 1:

Christmas?

Cousin 2:

OO!

Cousin 1:

Christmas...Two words?

Cousin 2:

OO!

Cousin 1:

Family Reunion?

Cousin 2:

Hindi.

Cousin 1:

Event, Christmas. English. Two words.

Aaa! Aaa!

Merry Christmas!

Cousin 2:

Hindi.

Cousin 1:

Hindi Merry Christmas?

E di Maligayang Pasko????

Mahirap talaga minsan ang masyadong matalino, nasosobrahan ng kakaisip.

x x x

Exhibit 5: Quits lang tayo.

While watching TV...

K:

Manonood ako n'yan, Sherlock Holmes.

Dad:

Sino ba 'yan? Sherlock Holmes?

K:

Hindi mo kilala si Shecklock Holmes?

Dad:

Hindi.

K:

'E si Watson, kilala mo?

Dad:

Hindi rin.

K, in disbelief:

Hindi n'yo kilala si Sherlock Holmes at si Watson?

Dad:

Hindi nga e.

E si Kalabog en Bosyo, kilala mo?

K:

Hindi rin.

Dad:

O, e di pareho lang tayo.

O' nga naman, kanya-kanya lang 'yan.

x x x

Bonus Feature: Judge Not and You Shall Not be Judged

K:

Break na kami ni Piolo. May bago na kong boy.

Friend:

Sino?

K, with matching hearts in the eyes:

Si Enchong Dee!

Kapag nanligaw sa 'kin 'yun, sasagutin ko na s'ya agad.

Friend:

E akala ko ba hindi ka magb-boyfriend ng hindi born-again?

K:

E, Friend naman.

Sa tingin mo, kapag niligawan ako ni Enchong Dee, hindi pa s'ya miracle from God?

Kaya nga hindi ako maka-react nang mabalitaan kong nililigawan ni Efren Penaflorida si Angel Locsin, e. We're in the same boat. O. 'Di ba sosyal kapag sinagot s'ya ni Angel? 'Ika nga e, nothing to lose (well, except for his face). Hehe.

O s'ya. Yun na :)

Confession (also, Seven Deadly Sins)

Alam kong maraming nag-request, pero dahil ito ang first writing attempt ko after so many months (years???), lower your expectations ha. Soft opening muna :D

Confessions (also, Seven Deadly Sins)

Pride

I was preparing for a Hawaiian-themed party. So picture me wearing a spaghetti-strapped inner blouse topped with an almost-see through long-sleeved shirt, paired with shorts. I was feeling good in myP5,000++ outfit when my brother saw me.

Bro 1 (but not necessarily in order):

Wow, Ruby.

K, thinking of Angelica P.'s now-defunct teleserye, smiles with pseudo-humility

Bro 1:

Ruby Rodriguez!

Pride 2

Dad:

May bago na akong kamukha, hindi na si Papa P.

Mom:

Sino na kamukha mo?

Dad:

Si Enchong!

Bro 1 (same brother as above):

Tama! Si Enchong. Si Enchong Go.

Avarice

K:

Pagdasal mo naman na makapag-asawa ako ng mayaman.

Mom:

Mayaman? 'Di ba dapat 'pag mag-aasawa ka, dapat yung Christian?

K:

Kapag nakapag-asawa ako ng mayaman, ibibili kita ng maraming bags.

Mom:

Sige, mayaman na lang.

Envy (kasi inggit ako, at ang opposite ng envy ay Love)

K:

Mommy! Naiwan mo ang cellphone mo!

Dad, to Mom:

Ikaw naman, kakalimutan mo pa ang kadugtong ng buhay mo.

Mom:

Hindi naman 'yung cellphone ko ang kadugtog ng buhay ko.

Dad:

E, ano?

Mom:

Ikaw

K, thinking:

Eeeew! Cheesy!

Wrath

Bro 2 (note again that the number is not necessarily his number out of my mom's womb) was on his way to his GF's Church when...

Mom:

'Yung polo mo gusot-gusot.

Bro (kasi harassed na at mala-late na yata):

E anong gagawin ko? Huhubarin ko pa ba?

Mom:

E di 'wag mong hubarin habang pina-plansta ko.

Lust

Overheard:

Man:

Ang ganda mo naman. Kamukha mo si Bea Alonzo.

Para kang model sa Magkaribal.

By the way, ako pala si Derek Ramsey.

Lust 2

Bro 1 injured his shoulder during a basketball game.

Inang, concerned:

Marunong manghilot si E (Inang's 1^st Yaya). Magpahilot ka dun.

Bro 1:

Wag na po.

Inang:

Bakit naman?

Bro 1:

Hindi po ako nagpapahawak kung kani-kanino.

Gluttony

My mom and me shared a gelatto after one of our customary mall lakwatsa. Since I will be the one who will be driving home, she let me eat my half first with the warning...

Mom:

Tirhan mo ko, kundi, sisipain kita.

K, after her first taste of the gelato:

Magpapasipa na lang ako.

Gluttony 2

Me and my friends were on our way to Tagaytay when my mom called me.

Mom:

K, (static, static, static).

K, straining to hear:

Ha?

Mom:

(static, static, static) . . . ay.

K:

Ano? Sinong namatay?

Needless to say, everyone who were inside the car with me freezes in tense silence while waiting for the answer to my question.

Mom:

Bingi ka talaga! Buko pie! Mag-uwi ka ng buko pie!

Collective sighs of relief for those inside the car.

Gluttony 3

K, on her way home from Tagaytay, after buying buko pie:

Magdadala na lang ako ng sasakyan bukas pag-uwi ko ng Bulacan, ano?

Seatmate:

Oo, seatmate, kasi marami kang dalang buko pie.

J, the Ladies' escort to Tagaytay:

Tama. Kasi 'pag nag-bus ka, baka may bumili sa'yo ng buko pie.

Sloth (ayaw kasing mag-exercise)

Mom:

J, hubarin mo nga ang beltbag mo.

Tita J:

Ano? Wala akong suot na beltbag.

Mom:

E ano yang nakapulupot sa bewang mo?

Tita J:

Salbabida 'yan. Walang pakialamanan.

So, kamusta naman kayo?

Still Life Part II

(Back, due to popular demand)

At the onset, it must be stressed that pursuant to People of the Philippines vs Cabalquinto (G.R. No. 167693, September 19, 2006), I shall be withholding the real name of certain persons and shall instead use fictitious initials to represent them. Likewise, the personal circumstances of the said persons, as well as those of their immediate family or household members, which tend to establish or compromise their identites, shall not be disclosed.

x x x

A blond moment during a wedding (masyado kasing nagpapa-cute sa partner)

K:

So you'r practicing law.

Atty:

Yes, sa Batangas

K:

A. So malapit ka lang pala kay groom (who's practicing in Olongapo)?

A (blinks):

A...hindi. Magkabila 'yun. Isang north, isang south.

Obviously, I am NOT smarter than a fifth-grader.

x x x

K:

Mommy, may ipapakilala daw sa akin si JM na guy. Brother ng friend n'ya na cute at Christian.

Brother (who was blatantly eavesdropping):

Brother na cute na Christian? E bakit maghahanap ka pa e nandito naman ako?

x x x

Overheard.

Man, on a celphone:

Labs you (pauses to hear the reply). Sige na, sige na, gago. Babay.

Sigh. Ain't love grand? :)

x x x

Man, to woman selling celphone load:

Ako na ang magbebenta para sayo.

Woman:

Sige nga. Tignan natin galing mo.

Man, turning to K:

Ma'am, mag-paload na po kayo dito para textmate tayo.

K, thinking:

Sine-sales talk mo ba ko o tinatakot?

x x x

Boss:

Madali lang gumawa ng criminal case report. Kasi yung mga jurisprudence, halos paulit-ulit lang, tulad ng findings of fact of trial court are respected on appeal; trial court's analysis of the credibility of witnesses are given due weight (pauses and looks at K). Ano pa ba?

K, who was not paying attention at all before and was instead practicing her ability to read upsidedown by reading a private letter on boss' desk:

Aaa, opo, sir.

Moral of the story: Actually, there is none :(

x x x

I love my boss :)

Boss (to carpenters fixing our office door):

O, ayusin n'yo 'yung kabit ng pintuan namin. Baka magka-muscles yung mga babae dito.

x x x

Text messaging is fun.

K:

Bukas samahan mo kong bumili ng food for my birthday ha.

BT:

Oo, ba. Sige, magtuturo na lang ako bukas.

K:

Sure, no problem. Minsan lang naman ako magt-twenty five.

BT:

Kung twenty-five ka, e di thirty lang ako.

K:

Bakit, hindi ba ko mukhang twenty five?

BT, after a few minutes of being incommunicado:

Talaga bang twenty-five ka lang?

x x x

I sometimes think that I mess with people's minds waaay too much.

K:

Inang, nandito po si BT para mag-mano sa inyo.

Inang, seated on a pew inside our Church:

Nakow, 'wag mo nga akong pinagloloko. Chaka ayoko.

K:

Hindi po ako nagbibiro. Nasa likod nyo lang po s'ya.

Inang:

How, ayoko nga.

BT:

Inang, totoo po. Magmamano po ako.

x x x

Si inang ulit (wag nyo ko sumbong).

Inang (Handing K a bowl): Paki dala naman to sa kusina.

K:

E, inang, may tatlong subong lugaw pa dito. Ubusin n'yo na po. Sayang naman, isipin nyo po, maraming bata ang nagugutom sa Africa.

Inang:

Nasan sila? Ilabas mo na, susubuan ko pa sila.

x x x

At a fastfood drive-thru:

Brother:

Dalawang Meal 2.

Crew:

Will that be all, sir?

B:

Oo.

Crew:

Dine in or take out?

B (without batting an eyelash):

Teka lang, ha. Iisipin ko muna.

x x x

I attended one of our Church's General Council Meeting. I never met so many pastors at one time.

Pastor 1:

Attorney, ikaw ba yung pamangkin ni Lourdes?

K:

A, opo.

P1:

E, di natatandaan mo pa ako?

K:

Pasensya na po, hindi ko na po kayo natatandaan.

P1:

Ako yung nagkasal sayo. Di ba, nagkasakit yung pastor nyo, tapos tinawagan nya ko para ako na lang ang magkasal sayo?

Insert uncomfortable silence here while K, pauses to think of a non-offensive way of telling the nice pastor that, 'I'm not married yet, you raving lunatic!'

Pastor 2, taking pity on both persons involved, butted in:

A, pastor, hindi pa po kasal si attorney.

P1:

Ha? Hindi ka pa kasal? Pero ikaw yung pamangkin ni Lourdes?

K:

De la Cruz po ba? Opo, kapatid po sya ng mommy ko.

P1:

Ganun ba? E sino yung kinasal ko?

K, shrugs noncommitically.

P1:

E di single pa kayo, attorney?

K:

Opo.

P1:

May anak akong lalaki, 36 years old, single din. Baka kaya mong hanapan ng puede n'yang pakasalan?

The sad thing herein is that this is not the first time I was hit on by a parent on behalf of his/her clueless son :(

x x x

So how was your week?